Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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