I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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