Don't make out with my wife yet
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
