funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize