based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
