I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
