She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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