Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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