it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
