So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My vagina is officially offended.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
