I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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