The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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