yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
my shit smells like andre
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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