We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
