MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
