can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize