Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
