You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
