i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
