soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize