Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
