this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize