I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
