I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
