i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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