He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
