Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
