Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
