I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
