I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
