I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
