I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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