Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
