im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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