idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
