Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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