i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
