I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize