i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Drunk is not a location!
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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