Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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