Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
