After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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