Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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