i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
My balls are so social today.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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