You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
