Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
