they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
