As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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