Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
