hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
