If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
