mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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