Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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