Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
