this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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