mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
