My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
