Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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