we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
