# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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