Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I got her a Nickelback box set.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
