i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Randomize