True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize