the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize