Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
