Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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