Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize